Depression is a condition that doesn't discriminate. It can affect the well off and the not so well off equally. It's a condition that truly resides in the shadows. It's easy to hide, unlike many other illnesses, and most people suffer in silence and refuse to "show" their symptoms. I myself and one of those people. Lately, it's difficult to be happy and look forward to anything. It's like I'm just going through the motions of daily life, making just enough to pay for groceries and cover life's various expenses, often leading to a quickly dwindling bank account. From home to work, and back home again, it's the daily routine that is unescapable. Even when I have days off it just brings about the negative thoughts and feelings as I now how time to think about them. Work does bring about a reprieve as I can focus on the many tasks that I must accomplish. But even then, when things slow down, the thoughts come creeping back. I'm not sure what causes depression. I'm sure that there's a scientific explanation for it but that doesn't really help in the long run. What makes it such a strange condition is that one can be living comfortably and have everything in life but still end up depressed, juxtaposed to a person that has very little yet remaining cheerful and optimistic. I fall somewhere in the middle. I have a family so I am not alone. I get along with people fairly well. I have a house in a nice neighborhood but lately, with rising costs and more expenses, I find myself with very little after my paycheck has been ransacked by government and corporation alike. I owe money to credit card companies, not a lot compared to a majority of Americans but enough to make it impossible to pay. The bloodsucking leeches best known as debt collectors (I'm sure that they use a more palatable name for themselves) are also beginning to contact me. Just for one credit card but preying on people who have hit hard times rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes I just want to be alone and think. Have you ever just sat and the depression is so strong that it almost gives you a serene feeling, an almost pleasant experience? I have had that happen recently. Usually I sit and try to think of ways to earn a few extra dollars, which is difficult as I am responsible to watch my two young children while my wife is at work. I started this website to make a few extra dollars by selling some rather nice clothing and accessories. But to say that sales have been slow is an understatement. It's a highly competitive marketplace and I'm not exactly a trained graphic designer so maybe my items don't end up as flashy as others. So why am I writing this? I just felt like I had to. I have a difficult time talking about personal issues to others and this would be my best outlet. I also hope that someone reads this and realizes that others feel the same way. Maybe we can connect somehow and support one another. If anyone reads this of course. Which is certainly not a given. What would make me happy? The ability to not worry if my card is going to be declined every time I use it. To have the income that allows me to purchase something that I want, rather than something that I need. To make sure that my children have what makes them happy. To be able to afford a new car of my choosing, not a car that is forced upon me due to financial constraints. To be able to pay back the people that have helped my family out. I often feel that I am the least well off of my inner and outer circle. My wife's friend's all have nice houses, go on vacations multiple times a summer and have husbands with well paying, respected jobs. We are lucky if we can go on one vacation a year. And my job isn't exactly what I call respectful. It's honest work and I enjoy it but it's not on the level of an accountant or engineer. Maybe I'm depressed because I do want so much more in life and refuse to settle for my current state. If that's the case then depression could be a motivator. Yet it often makes myself, and others, feel lethargic and less motivated. It's truly a conundrum.
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