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Subtle Phrases That Will Land You on the Couch (Or Worse)

Subtle Phrases That Will Land You on the Couch (Or Worse)

I suffer from what is known as "foot in mouth" syndrome. Many the time have I uttered a joke, often after a period of enjoying some libations, that has landed me in some hot water. Often times it is boiling. After eight years of marriage I have begun to finally figure out what not to say to my wife that will piss her off. I still do it of course, because men can be the stupider sex, but not at the frequency in which I previously had. Over the years I have compiled a mental list that will be of great value to men like me; a list of phrases, often subtle, that may result in a kick to the nuggets. Please study this list as it may save your life one day.

1. Relax - Now I know what all you single men are thinking. What is the big issue with this one word. Well, telling a woman to relax, especially a woman that is with you in marriage, is like giving her a loaded gun. Women are emotional creatures and take a while to wind down after being upset. Us men on the other hand forget things quite easily and have an easier time relaxing after getting upset. But women you have to comfort. It's like going through a maze, you have to find the correct things to say in order to navigate to safety. So avoid this word at all costs unless you have a death wish.

2. Ending any sentence with: Because they're women - This phrase has become my most egregious offense. Men loving telling jokes, amongst themselves of course, playfully degrading women. We never actually mean what we say but it's a fun way to have a laugh. Women on the other hand will flip out at any joke that degrades their group. I have personally experienced many verbal lashings and still continue to say this phrase. It's like an addiction. Just don't start saying it and you'll be okay.

3. It's no big deal - Let me tell you men something. Everything is a big deal to women. My wife will sometimes complain about how her makeup doesn't look right and I tell it's no big deal. This often results in the "well it's a big deal to me and you should care about how I feel". I don't go around telling her how I don't look right! But this is something that should be said only in your mind.

4. I'll get to it later - Women are like children in a sense. Children have not patience and neither does your wife. If she asks you to fix something, you did it right away, or else. Once I see my wife rummage through my toolbox I begin to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Because I know what it coming. As a bonus, try telling her that she is doing something incorrectly with the tools and she will use the tools on you. And she'll tell you to keep your tool in your pants forever.

5. You're having another candy (or food of choice) - Oh boy this is a tough one. Never ever ever ever ever make reference to your wife's appearance unless it's positive or she explicitly asks for your opinion. And I'll let you in on a secret: lie and say they look great. She'll know you're lying, you'll know she knows that you're lying, but much like politics, this is how the game is played. A few times I have subtly hinted to my wife that she should exercise. And one time after a few drinks I told her that women have an obligation to remain fit for their husband. Let's just say that I quickly realized my mistake after saying that. Even though I only half meant it. Just keep your mouth shut and you'll be okay.

Men, study this small list and you should be okay. There are many more words and phrases that should be avoided but I wanted to share some that may fall under the radar. And if you do say any of these, well, get yourself a good jock strap and cup. You will certainly need it. Oh, and if you are really in the doghouse, try one of these, your wife will love it. Then you can buy these for after you have made up.

A 40 year old man with brownish hair, black rimmed glasses and no facial hair..jpg
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